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Trump's latest fundraising campaign promises to mail fake bricks to lawmakers because Americans no longer know how to heave them through the window themselves. We are so neutered by the shrill shrieking frauds that surround us on a daily basis that half of us accept lessons on the proper way to express masculinity from Procter & Gamble. Revelations may come at the point of a blade, but a Gillette razor is a poor substitute for the guillotine. Revolution? With a national case of Stockholm Syndrome this bad, who needs a police state?

 

January 14: It's raining men - or spiders - & another kind of Storm

Gillette 'toxic masculinity' ad spurs backlash

Sky-spanning spiderweb the stuff of nightmares

Spotlight-starved Stormy sues scandal-plagued Ohio vice cops

 

January 15: We'll burn that bridge when we come to it, coke & hookers edition

Tappan Zee Bridge goes out with a bang

DEA agent laundered $7mn in drug money in agency's worst scandal yet

UN survey reveals one in three employees sexually harassed

PressTV journalist held for no declared reason in Kafkaesque detention

 

January 16: Fake government, fake terror, fake elections, & how not to DIY medicine

Pelosi threatens to cancel Trump's State of the Union address

FBI 'foil' white house explosive plot by guy who thought he could trade car for rockets

Texas man raked in cash with fake PACs for all 3 2016 candidates

Irish man injected self with semen for 18 months in bizarre home back pain cure

 

January 17: Advertising do's & don'ts; SPLC slander victims fight back

PETA turns entire world off veganism with phallic veggie perv ad

Aeromexico trolls xenophobic stereotypes with 'DNA discount' ad

Pornhub traffic spikes in DC: furloughed feds keeping busy

Immigration group files RICO suit against SPLC for 'hate' smear

 

January 18: A tunnel in time saves nine; foam brick campaign invigorates Trump faithful; fun with fetuses; the oracle speaks

Conveniently-timed border-wall tunnels cross record number of asylum-seekers

Trump fundraiser promises to mail (fake) bricks to Pelosi & Schumer

March for Life claims victory, mainstream censorship

Pemex pipelines explode, killing fuel thieves

Silent Mueller releases rare statement denying Buzzfeed collusion delusion

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Earth's magnetic pole is racing away from North America at five times the speed it moved 25 years ago. It doesn't take much to guess why.

 

January 7: To kill or be killed by pigs

Belgium bans ritual slaughter: triumph of state (& animals) over church or xenophobia?

Cop fired after shooting "aggressive" chihuahua on camera

Dinosaur-killing asteroid caused mile-high tsunami

Uber driver "possessed" by app pleads guilty to 6 murders

 

January 8: True love, or marriages of convenience, between man, machine, & vegetable

Forget flying cars, here's one that...walks?

How Americans learned to stop worrying & love Big Brother

Doorbell-licking man arrested for love that dare not speak its name

DNA warrant served on male staff at facility where comatose woman gave birth

 

January 9: Money is a weapon. Never forget it

Most Americans don't know when - or if - they'll pay down their debts

Yellow Vests planning bank run to collapse French financial system

Scientists pick up deep-space repeating radio bursts: knock knock, who's there?

Coast Guard to furloughed employees: have a garage sale! babysit! file for bankruptcy!

 

January 10: Breeding ourselves out of existence, but wouldn't you? Even the magnetic pole doesn't want anything to do with us

American birthrates at 30-year low, far below replacement rate

The Amazing Michael Cohen, dancing bear of the Resistance

Almost 300 cases of Norovirus send cruise ship back to port - to be filled with a new crop of victims

Cops in Canada can breathalyze you anywhere, even at home, under insane new law

Why is Earth's magnetic pole running away from us? 

 

January 11: Tulsi 2020 & the world's most punchable face

Twitter melts down over Tulsi Gabbard's 2020 candidacy

Attention whore whores for attention by proclaiming he'll be gay for a month

Girl wrecks car while attempting 'Bird Box challenge' on highway

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In 2000, doctors in Israel went on strike. The death rate dropped so precipitously that funeral directors complained. As the government shutdown continues & our lives remain noticeably unchanged, watch the rats scramble to right the ship lest we realize we do not in fact need them at all. As someone more powerful than i once said, sit back relax & enjoy the ride, or die trying:

January 1: Shooting ourselves in the foot, figuratively & literally; roadkill on the information superhighway

Americans ring in the new year by accidentally shooting selves, others

"Let's make a deal?" Trump offers olive branch in shutdown talks

Hackers threaten to expose 9/11 truth

Gentlemen, start your engines - and grills: Oregon legalizes eating roadkill

Bill Gates hunting for new nuke partner as new regs rule out China

January 2: See no evil (in Afghanistan, the Capitol, or your own chromosomes)

Trump looks to end public reports from military watchdog after SIGAR gives him F for Fraud

McConnell vows Senate won't even read House bill without wall funding

Never mind the crumbling subway system & skyrocketing homelessness, NYC adds third gender to legal docs

China lands probe on unexplored "dark side" of moon

Netflix warns users not to hurt themselves imitating Bird Box - after starting viral trend themselves

January 3: House plays pretend; the Right hates dancing; antiwar senator rumored for Pentagon post; i can has cheezburger?

House Democrats scramble to be first with impeachment resolution

House Democrats pass bills to end shutdown sans wall, despite inevitable Trump veto

Too good to be true? Antiwar ex-senator Webb rumored to replace Mattis as Defense Secretary

Man promised free food for life sues Burger King: most American story ever?

Leaked college vid of Ocasio-Cortez dancing backfires, inspiring collective "awwww"

January 4: Not-so-immaculate conception; AOC not crying over spilt ink; Escape Room turns deathtrap; more time for Mueller; Ellen's audience does not forgive

Woman braindead for 14 years gives birth unexpectedly

Ocasio-Cortez gets more ink before starting work than most in Congress do in whole career

Escape Room in Poland becomes reality in horrific fire tragedy

Mueller milks Russiagate grand jury for another 6 months

Ellen calls for fans to forgive Kevin Hart for ancient anti-gay tweets; fans rip her head off

January 5: Child porn ringleader gets what he deserves; TMI from JK Rowling; TSA on grope-strike - will Drake step in? 

Child-porn ring leader serving 40 years for victimizing 100+ girls murdered in prison

Chamber pot of secrets: JK Rowling gives fans TMI about wizards' bowel habits

TSA calling in sick en masse to protest forced labor during shutdown - air travelers rejoice

Drake unpersoned after video of underage fan-fondling resurfaces

Trump admits 'no headway' in shutdown meeting

Ikea accidentally screens porn in Hong Kong store

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Last batch of stories of 2018 - let's just say it hasn't been humanity's proudest moment. Happy new year, everyone. Let's try not to pull this shit again, shall we?

 

December 26: Dead bodies & where they're buried; US lackeys get their just deserts in Venezuela & China

Family arrested as backyard bodies confirmed to be missing kids

Venezuela sentences 'Operation Jericho' coup plotters allied with US

Meng's revenge: China hints at death penalty for Canadian drug smuggler

India strikes back at Amazon & Walmart with e-commerce regulations

 

December 27: Who munched my Munch? We all live in a pedo submarine; Fukushima 3 face 5-year sentences

Munch Museum finds out 47+ paintings missing from collection that hung in student dorm

Elon Musk to British diver: "Not a pedo? Sue me!" Diver: "OK!" Musk: "LOL J/K"

TEPCO execs face 5-year sentences over Fukushima meltdown

 

December 28: Army unit: at sleaze! Cop killer was illegal alien with criminal record; foul-mouthed muppets; legionnaire caught with bombs

US troops at Grafenwoehr finally allowed to have sex after nine-day ban

CA cop-killer was illegal alien with multiple DUIs & other arrests

Say it ain't so: Beloved muppet drops f-bomb, or does he?

French cop arrested with bag of military-grade explosives

7.0 quake hits Mindanao, Philippines

 

December 30: Saudis fuel Yemen conflict with Sudanese child 'firewood'; identity politics eats itself; Facebook blamed for migrant crisis; vape store meltdown

Saudi-led coalition recruiting child soldiers in Sudan for Yemen cannon fodder

Northern CA Women's March cancels as organizers fear it'll be "too white"

Migrant group blames social media for spike in UK channel crossings; charities chortle

Vape store psycho screeches self silly at Trump-shirted customer

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It's important to get rid of all your accumulated sociopathy before the new year so you don't pay taxes on it. That's the only way i can explain some of these stories, at least. Taking Christmas Eve/Christmas off, so hopefully there is at least a full-length article or five coming soon

December 17: What's the difference between Catholics & cannibals? One believes in population control; all work & no play drives Special Forces crazy

Catholic priest abuse investigations spread to 45 states: names named

A cannibal, his wife, and their mistress: modern love & ritual murder in Brazil

Murder, rape, pedophilia, assault, & sometimes they even go to war: US Special Forces under investigation

Nunchucks legal in New York after ban declared unconstitutional

December 18: Facebook screws users, again; Trump loses foundation, gains a worm; pot calls kettle black

Facebook sold access to users' private data without their knowledge, still thinks it did nothing wrong

Trump Foundation to be dissolved under governmental oversight

Blind wormlike amphibian to be named after Trump, because climate change 

Geopolitical thug Nikki Haley calls MBS 'thuggish,' because it takes one to know one

December 19: We have met the "Russian meddlers," & they are Democrats. If you read nothing else i wrote this week, please read this article, & share it with all your Russiagate-believing friends/relatives. Also: BuzzFeed beats Steele dossier defamation suit; Tesla spontaneously combusts; cultural otterpropriation

Democratic disinfo experts used "Russian" social media tricks to sway Alabama election

Judge dismisses Russian's defamation suit against BuzzFeed over Steele dossier libel

Tesla spontaneously combusts - twice in one day

CA aquarium's fat otter joke offends the perpetually-offended

December 20: When in doubt, blame Satan; legislative virtue-signaling; more reasons to avoid Alexa; Mad Dog put down; Senate finally criminalizes lynching

Alabama cops blame Satan (and Kids These Days) for homicide spike

Alexa, what's my neighbor doing? Amazon device sends recordings to stranger

'Mad Dog' Mattis to quit Trump administration because he can't have all the wars he wants

House approves border wall funding; government shutdown imminent as Schumer promises to block

Trump tweets surreal Green Acres clip to celebrate farm bill passage

Senate passes anti-lynching bill, 100 years too late

December 21: US to fund moar Ukrainian provocation; beefeaters join yellow vests; UK retakes migrant-hijacked ship; when is a wall not a wall?

US pledges $10mn more in military aid as Ukraine mulls second Kerch provocation

Beefeaters on strike at Tower of London for first time in 55 years, don yellow vests in solidarity

UK forces seize migrant-hijacked ship after 12hr standoff

Border bait-n-switch: the Wall has become a 'beautiful' fence

1929 will come again: stock market in toilet for Christmas

 

& missing from last week's collection - Mueller expands collusion hunt to...Israel?

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