RT Articles

In 2000, doctors in Israel went on strike. The death rate dropped so precipitously that funeral directors complained. As the government shutdown continues & our lives remain noticeably unchanged, watch the rats scramble to right the ship lest we realize we do not in fact need them at all. As someone more powerful than i once said, sit back relax & enjoy the ride, or die trying:

January 1: Shooting ourselves in the foot, figuratively & literally; roadkill on the information superhighway

Americans ring in the new year by accidentally shooting selves, others

"Let's make a deal?" Trump offers olive branch in shutdown talks

Hackers threaten to expose 9/11 truth

Gentlemen, start your engines - and grills: Oregon legalizes eating roadkill

Bill Gates hunting for new nuke partner as new regs rule out China

January 2: See no evil (in Afghanistan, the Capitol, or your own chromosomes)

Trump looks to end public reports from military watchdog after SIGAR gives him F for Fraud

McConnell vows Senate won't even read House bill without wall funding

Never mind the crumbling subway system & skyrocketing homelessness, NYC adds third gender to legal docs

China lands probe on unexplored "dark side" of moon

Netflix warns users not to hurt themselves imitating Bird Box - after starting viral trend themselves

January 3: House plays pretend; the Right hates dancing; antiwar senator rumored for Pentagon post; i can has cheezburger?

House Democrats scramble to be first with impeachment resolution

House Democrats pass bills to end shutdown sans wall, despite inevitable Trump veto

Too good to be true? Antiwar ex-senator Webb rumored to replace Mattis as Defense Secretary

Man promised free food for life sues Burger King: most American story ever?

Leaked college vid of Ocasio-Cortez dancing backfires, inspiring collective "awwww"

January 4: Not-so-immaculate conception; AOC not crying over spilt ink; Escape Room turns deathtrap; more time for Mueller; Ellen's audience does not forgive

Woman braindead for 14 years gives birth unexpectedly

Ocasio-Cortez gets more ink before starting work than most in Congress do in whole career

Escape Room in Poland becomes reality in horrific fire tragedy

Mueller milks Russiagate grand jury for another 6 months

Ellen calls for fans to forgive Kevin Hart for ancient anti-gay tweets; fans rip her head off

January 5: Child porn ringleader gets what he deserves; TMI from JK Rowling; TSA on grope-strike - will Drake step in? 

Child-porn ring leader serving 40 years for victimizing 100+ girls murdered in prison

Chamber pot of secrets: JK Rowling gives fans TMI about wizards' bowel habits

TSA calling in sick en masse to protest forced labor during shutdown - air travelers rejoice

Drake unpersoned after video of underage fan-fondling resurfaces

Trump admits 'no headway' in shutdown meeting

Ikea accidentally screens porn in Hong Kong store

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Last batch of stories of 2018 - let's just say it hasn't been humanity's proudest moment. Happy new year, everyone. Let's try not to pull this shit again, shall we?


December 26: Dead bodies & where they're buried; US lackeys get their just deserts in Venezuela & China

Family arrested as backyard bodies confirmed to be missing kids

Venezuela sentences 'Operation Jericho' coup plotters allied with US

Meng's revenge: China hints at death penalty for Canadian drug smuggler

India strikes back at Amazon & Walmart with e-commerce regulations


December 27: Who munched my Munch? We all live in a pedo submarine; Fukushima 3 face 5-year sentences

Munch Museum finds out 47+ paintings missing from collection that hung in student dorm

Elon Musk to British diver: "Not a pedo? Sue me!" Diver: "OK!" Musk: "LOL J/K"

TEPCO execs face 5-year sentences over Fukushima meltdown


December 28: Army unit: at sleaze! Cop killer was illegal alien with criminal record; foul-mouthed muppets; legionnaire caught with bombs

US troops at Grafenwoehr finally allowed to have sex after nine-day ban

CA cop-killer was illegal alien with multiple DUIs & other arrests

Say it ain't so: Beloved muppet drops f-bomb, or does he?

French cop arrested with bag of military-grade explosives

7.0 quake hits Mindanao, Philippines


December 30: Saudis fuel Yemen conflict with Sudanese child 'firewood'; identity politics eats itself; Facebook blamed for migrant crisis; vape store meltdown

Saudi-led coalition recruiting child soldiers in Sudan for Yemen cannon fodder

Northern CA Women's March cancels as organizers fear it'll be "too white"

Migrant group blames social media for spike in UK channel crossings; charities chortle

Vape store psycho screeches self silly at Trump-shirted customer

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It's important to get rid of all your accumulated sociopathy before the new year so you don't pay taxes on it. That's the only way i can explain some of these stories, at least. Taking Christmas Eve/Christmas off, so hopefully there is at least a full-length article or five coming soon

December 17: What's the difference between Catholics & cannibals? One believes in population control; all work & no play drives Special Forces crazy

Catholic priest abuse investigations spread to 45 states: names named

A cannibal, his wife, and their mistress: modern love & ritual murder in Brazil

Murder, rape, pedophilia, assault, & sometimes they even go to war: US Special Forces under investigation

Nunchucks legal in New York after ban declared unconstitutional

December 18: Facebook screws users, again; Trump loses foundation, gains a worm; pot calls kettle black

Facebook sold access to users' private data without their knowledge, still thinks it did nothing wrong

Trump Foundation to be dissolved under governmental oversight

Blind wormlike amphibian to be named after Trump, because climate change 

Geopolitical thug Nikki Haley calls MBS 'thuggish,' because it takes one to know one

December 19: We have met the "Russian meddlers," & they are Democrats. If you read nothing else i wrote this week, please read this article, & share it with all your Russiagate-believing friends/relatives. Also: BuzzFeed beats Steele dossier defamation suit; Tesla spontaneously combusts; cultural otterpropriation

Democratic disinfo experts used "Russian" social media tricks to sway Alabama election

Judge dismisses Russian's defamation suit against BuzzFeed over Steele dossier libel

Tesla spontaneously combusts - twice in one day

CA aquarium's fat otter joke offends the perpetually-offended

December 20: When in doubt, blame Satan; legislative virtue-signaling; more reasons to avoid Alexa; Mad Dog put down; Senate finally criminalizes lynching

Alabama cops blame Satan (and Kids These Days) for homicide spike

Alexa, what's my neighbor doing? Amazon device sends recordings to stranger

'Mad Dog' Mattis to quit Trump administration because he can't have all the wars he wants

House approves border wall funding; government shutdown imminent as Schumer promises to block

Trump tweets surreal Green Acres clip to celebrate farm bill passage

Senate passes anti-lynching bill, 100 years too late

December 21: US to fund moar Ukrainian provocation; beefeaters join yellow vests; UK retakes migrant-hijacked ship; when is a wall not a wall?

US pledges $10mn more in military aid as Ukraine mulls second Kerch provocation

Beefeaters on strike at Tower of London for first time in 55 years, don yellow vests in solidarity

UK forces seize migrant-hijacked ship after 12hr standoff

Border bait-n-switch: the Wall has become a 'beautiful' fence

1929 will come again: stock market in toilet for Christmas


& missing from last week's collection - Mueller expands collusion hunt to...Israel?

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Last week, pigs flew. Now, we see the Clinton Foundation inching closer to actually being investigated for massive years-long tax evasion. Coincidence?


10 December: FBI-sponsored 'terror' in Toledo; screen-time melts kids' brains

Lacking terrorists to target, Toledo FBI creates & entraps their own

...twice. Two Toledo kids entrapped on the same weekend. USA! USA! 

New study finds 3+ hours daily screen time causes physical changes in kids' brains


11 December: Canada gets screwed for doing the US' dirty work; Trump holds Huawei CFO & US gov't hostage, issues demands; ex-Fed chief reminds us we're $crewed

China retaliates against Huawei CFO abduction, detaining Canadian ex-diplomat

Trump hints he'll ransom out-on-bail Meng in return for trade deal

Pelosi links Wall to Trump's 'manhood,' talks tinkling skunks in veiled alcoholism PSA

Why would anyone want to blow up Facebook?!?

Ex-Fed chief says history repeating itself (just replace 'mortgages' with 'corporate debt')


12 December: Migrants demand dollars for departure; scouts on brink of bankruptcy; a new national symbol

Migrants to Trump: let us in faster, or pay us $50k to go home

Unable to save itself with radical de-gendering, Boy Scouts weighing bankruptcy as sex abuse lawsuits pile up

Assange says he's being subtly Khashoggi'ed, spied on

Spite: ur doin' it rite (VT man flips off town board in a big way)


13 December: More probes for Trump; happiness is not in fact a warm gun; US to Saudis: pay up, pretty please

Just when Trump thought it was safe to come off the golf course...

A drone is not a toy - tell that to this plane

US gun deaths at record high thanks to rise in suicides

Pentagon meekly asks Saudi-led coalition to pay for all that free refueling


14 December: Clinton Foundation acted as foreign agent; Obamacare gets the ax; 3 genders no waiting; Objectivist nutjob replaces Kelly

Clinton Foundation gets Al Cap-OWNED, but are 6,000 pages of proof enough?

Obamacare declared unconstitutional (71st time's the charm?)

Germany to offer 3rd gender option on legal docs but LGBT groups cry foul at restrictions

Ayn Rand-loving "right-wing nutjob" who gutted CFPB named as Trump chief of staff

Egypt arrests locals who helped Danes stage nude Giza pyramid photo

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Hear no evil, see no evil, post no evil - but it has to come out sometime. You'd think we'd learn. Last week, without further ado...

Dec 3: Florida will be Florida; rats plan for post-sinking-ship life

Florida man posed as housewife to lure men for stealth gay porn 

FL elections chief Snipes un-resigns when Scott threatens her pension

CNN's Zucker threatens political run on Axelrod podcast

Trump lawyers seek double fees from Stormy & Avenatti


Dec 4: When pigs fly? Or does that oppress pigs? Flynn and an anonymous DoJ official get off, in different ways

NYPD takes to the skies with drone program

PETA expands PC protection to animals

Mueller recommends no jail for cooperating Flynn

Sex-abuser DoJ official escapes punishment, retires in anonymity

Ocasio-Cortez takes on Tesla: give back to the community


Dec 5: Vigilante justice and even the legal system works sometimes

Duterte sez: Catholic bishops are 'useless fools.' 'Kill them.'

USA Gymnastics declares bankruptcy in last-ditch ass-saving attempt

Brazilians cheer police shooting of jewel thief

Moonves investigation turns up more victims, blowjobs on call


Dec 6: Junior anti-sex league; robot uprising begins; academia bites back at CNN for Hill firing

Perennial porn crusade finds support on campus

Amazon robot puts human workers in hospital in bear mace "accident"

CNN called out for racist firing of Temple professor over pro-Palestine speech

Greece begs citizens for cash to expand navy


Dec 7: Facebook hates sex; WikiLeaks defends itself; rat tries to desert sinking ship, drowns anyway

Facebook quietly bans all discussion of consensual adult sex

WikiLeaks defends itself (and press freedom) against DNC crusade

Cooperatin' Cohen heading to prison anyway

Ocasio-Cortez threatens Trump Jr. with subpoena over mean tweet


(more "real" articles coming soon, as soon as I can find a few hours to rub together, at least. You can help make this happen by clicking the "donate" button on the right side of the page! Buy me a day off & who knows what will show up here)

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