In 2000, doctors in Israel went on strike. The death rate dropped so precipitously that funeral directors complained. As the government shutdown continues & our lives remain noticeably unchanged, watch the rats scramble to right the ship lest we realize we do not in fact need them at all. As someone more powerful than i once said, sit back relax & enjoy the ride, or die trying:
January 1: Shooting ourselves in the foot, figuratively & literally; roadkill on the information superhighway
Americans ring in the new year by accidentally shooting selves, others
"Let's make a deal?" Trump offers olive branch in shutdown talks
Hackers threaten to expose 9/11 truth
Gentlemen, start your engines - and grills: Oregon legalizes eating roadkill
Bill Gates hunting for new nuke partner as new regs rule out China
January 2: See no evil (in Afghanistan, the Capitol, or your own chromosomes)
Trump looks to end public reports from military watchdog after SIGAR gives him F for Fraud
McConnell vows Senate won't even read House bill without wall funding
Never mind the crumbling subway system & skyrocketing homelessness, NYC adds third gender to legal docs
China lands probe on unexplored "dark side" of moon
Netflix warns users not to hurt themselves imitating Bird Box - after starting viral trend themselves
January 3: House plays pretend; the Right hates dancing; antiwar senator rumored for Pentagon post; i can has cheezburger?
House Democrats scramble to be first with impeachment resolution
House Democrats pass bills to end shutdown sans wall, despite inevitable Trump veto
Too good to be true? Antiwar ex-senator Webb rumored to replace Mattis as Defense Secretary
Man promised free food for life sues Burger King: most American story ever?
Leaked college vid of Ocasio-Cortez dancing backfires, inspiring collective "awwww"
January 4: Not-so-immaculate conception; AOC not crying over spilt ink; Escape Room turns deathtrap; more time for Mueller; Ellen's audience does not forgive
Woman braindead for 14 years gives birth unexpectedly
Ocasio-Cortez gets more ink before starting work than most in Congress do in whole career
Escape Room in Poland becomes reality in horrific fire tragedy
Mueller milks Russiagate grand jury for another 6 months
Ellen calls for fans to forgive Kevin Hart for ancient anti-gay tweets; fans rip her head off
January 5: Child porn ringleader gets what he deserves; TMI from JK Rowling; TSA on grope-strike - will Drake step in?
Child-porn ring leader serving 40 years for victimizing 100+ girls murdered in prison
Chamber pot of secrets: JK Rowling gives fans TMI about wizards' bowel habits
TSA calling in sick en masse to protest forced labor during shutdown - air travelers rejoice
Drake unpersoned after video of underage fan-fondling resurfaces
Trump admits 'no headway' in shutdown meeting
Ikea accidentally screens porn in Hong Kong store